What Do You Is This

Can you make your funny more talking?

You can, you can!

Can you make your creepy more stalking?

You can, you can!

I saw you be more move when you pretty!

Did you? Did you?

I saw you be more yell when you shitty!

Did you? Did you?

Did you be more smile when you cooking?

You did! You did!

Did you be more sneer when you looking?

You did! You did!

You can make your loving more hold!

Can you? Can you?

You can make your hating more scold!

Can you? Can you?

bad rather good why than I can’t see you’d be

You just make no sense to me.

Instrumental

Vim, vim vim vimmmmmm
Vim, vim vim vim vim vim
Doo doo doo.
Vim, vim vim veeeee vim veeeee
Dun, dun dun.
Vim, vim veeeee veeeeeeeeee veeeeeeeeeee.
Doo doo doo.

Bah, bah bah bah buh-bahhhh
(Vee, vee, vee)
Bah, buh-bah bahhh bahhhh bahhhh
(Vim, vee, vee)
Bah, buh-bah bahhh bahhhh bahhh
(Vim, vee, vim, veeeee)
Bah, bah buhhhhhhhh...

Veeeeeee
Veeeeeeeee
Veeeeeeeeeee

Doo doo doo.

Bullfrog Jump

Bullfrog jump in conjunction with a lilypad

Bullfrog croaking in 4/4 time

Alligator stealthily swims behind Bullfrog

thinks “Ima make this morsel mine.”

Bullfrog knows those rows of teeth

He's tired of this game, needs relief

Bullfrog doesn't wanna end up dead

So he hops a Greyhound to the city instead.

Bullfrog jump in conjunction with the sidewalk

Hopping feet carry him for a mile

Hipsters and jocks on all the blocks

All think Bullfrog's cramping their style.

Bullfrog struggles with communication

Uppity humans cause him frustration

They say he'd be better living in a coma

Instead he decides to get a diploma.

Bullfrog jump in conjunction with a college

Scores a BA in liberal arts

Work is scarce, but at least Bullfrog

Can be more eloquent with bullfrog farts.

Now Bullfrog thinks he's above this town

It's Americans who are getting him down

He wants to jam to a new vibration

So he jets to Europe for a vacation.

Bullfrog jump in conjunction with a helipad

Bullfrog flies though the air to Spain

Spanish flies are delectable to Bullfrog

Spanish sun causes Bullfrog pain.

An American frog in Spain has no cred

He realizes as his skin turns red

So he gives up the cities so harsh

and takes a boat to get back to his marsh.

Bullfrog takes a look around him

Thinks he found home or it found him

Laughs about all the times he had

(Though, let's face it, they were all bad.)

Bullfrog says he owns this place

He's the new king of the swamp, “all hail!”

Alligator snap in conjunction with a lilypad

That's the end of the bullfrog tale.

Three About A Neckbeard

Neckbeard

Nerdy, brutish

Tickling, growing, shouting

A sign of maturity, apathy, or lack of fashion sense

Chinstrap

Neckbeard

"Unix Coder."

Is he me?

I don't know Unix.

"Learn."

Neckbeard

Shaving it's tough.

Is it worth the struggle?

Who am I doing this for, then?

A girl

Sausage Stars

I like sausage stars.
Microcosms of sausage betwixt
An aurora of cheese
The pimentos and olives
Streak across the night sky
Bake for an hour in the heart of the sun.

I could fly
between the rings of ranch
past the peppers
around the wonton crystal
of the star's radiance
But if we're being frank
They're orbiting me
This time of year
I am awash in their glow

Shame, since everyone else
is always so full so early
But I am a black hole
I have not grown old of the radiance of stars

So I fill myself with a constellation
And sit happily as they supernova.

Dear Living Room Table

Thanks a lot for that big mess

I was in some real distress

When the glass of beer I sat on you

Bumped my arm and went “splat” on you.

(There was much excess)

Table, what a pest!

I should drop you in the outdoor murk

for turning me mad and berserk

You had my laptop set to Facebook

I'm sure you can bet I, spaced, looked

and gawked instead of doing work.

Table, what a jerk!

How come you hid my bill for air

Under my mags without a care

That I just finished reading

Though you knew I would be needing

it to keep sweat off my derriere!

But table, au contraire.

No more will you keep my stuff

All hodge-podge like piles of fluff

No more will you let distractions

Keep me from all life's attractions

No more will I fumble

through the jumble

of my papers, my controllers, and my coat

This is it. Get out, you're fired.

('Cause you're the perfect scapegoat)

Manifesto

A manifesto sacred to me:
everything's better if it's free.

Holding hands, watching a cheesy 3D flick
These visuals are mind-blowing if it's free.

A verse-worthy burger with guacamole and bacon
Is mouthwateringly decadent if it's free.

Advice from a mentor over a pint
I learn more and get drunk faster if it's free.

"Come on, dude, it's road trip time!"
Three hours in a car is paradise if it's free.

Four years studying journalism
Sure, the work was worth it...if it's free.

A man asks me to check my thetan count
A chance for enlightenment if it's free.

"You coming to the party? There's gonna be chicks there!"
I'm waiting for you to tell me if it's free.

I don't mind putting in the effort for her
But a kiss is so much sweeter if it's free.

No doubt, when a book has "Max Webber" on the cover
I'll hear, "Sure, I'll read it...if it's free."

Marmots in Winter

The yellow-bellied marmots

in the winter of o-three

Were dazed, surprised

And traumatized

At what they all did see

Their leader, Griffin, squirreled away

With clanking metal sound:

Rifles, revolvers,

“Problem solvers!”

He said. They rallied round.

“My brethren, come this springtime

When our hibernation's done

Wolf and beast

Will come to feast

But this time we'll have won.

The humans' magic guns will surely

Fell our predators

The hunter's fire

Is my desire

For we are warriors!"

As Griffin held his head up high

And waited for applause

The others praised him

Began to raise him

Like a god-like Santa Claus

But one young groundhog stood agape

Wondering in defeat:

“We don't have thumbs

To hold these guns...

And where's our food to eat?”

The Shape of Lunch to Come

Consider the wrapped package:

A compact little treat

Inside there's more than meets the eye

Now, eyes, eye the meat

Consider now this tower

Apartments in a stack

Each floor's tenants all stare back at you

From the unsuspecting snack

Consider next the roof

The crispy golden bun

The gleaming dome your teeth will breach

Before the rest is done

Consider a tomato slice

Caressed by spicy mustard

The outside is an embryo

Around the deep red custard

Consider leaves of lettuce

Caught firmly in the middle

The crispness and the color prelude

Meaty child of griddle

I take the pickles off

because I don't really like them

Consider next the meat itself

A juicy, flame-broiled disc

While it's the crux of this meal

It leaves swiftly (tisk-tisk).

Consider cheddar cheese

The ying to patty's yang

It leaves you with a feeling

That makes you call out, “Dang.”

Now that you've finished off your meal

And gathered quite the scoop

Consider next the bathroom

So you can wash your hands.

(dedicated to 500 Degrees)

Cup O Joe

Caffeine

makes

me

Tick tick tick think think think work work work

Create an empire

Or destroy it

And why not?

It’s all in my hands

My thin as lightning, fast as paper hands

Or is it…? Wait

No time to think!

I need to think!

My brain crawls in and out of my

Leaky ear holes

Stops to say hello

To passersby

Procrastination is a gentle friend

She hates me to worry

She hates me when I’m like that

She hates me; loves me

Put some drawers on, brain!

Gee whiz! Time to philosophize,

analyze and

another big word

No, sorry, sir

Not available.

Catch you on the flipside?

Maybe if I had some coffee

I could focus

That’s how anything gets done, after all

With the help of some drug

So I drink

So I can think

No time to think!

I need to, I need to, I need to…

Tick tick tick think think think work work work

Done!

What the fuck did I just write?

Astronaut

I wanna be

an astronaut man

I'll seal the airlock

to my cardboard box

jumble the sides and make

"k-csssh" PA noises to announce

to myself that we are leaving Earth.

I'll check the systems:

Yes! We're go. And the thrusters

penetrate me through the heavens

...or so I'll say, taking a swig of my juice.

I wonder what the moon people will be like

Are they nice? Do they share their toys?

Are they a capitalist society, or do they have

an entirely different social structure from ours?

These questions will weigh heavily on me, as I look

out the window and thank God that at least now

I won't have to worry about finishing school.